Beckett's Perspective - Summer of Absence
by Hawkeye006
Summary: Beckett recollected her summer in self imposed exile and the reasons behind it.
1. Chapter 1

**Beckett's Perspective: - Summer of Absence**

Kate Beckett's mind was as far as possible from the meeting at 1PP. Victoria Gates had noticed this as soon as Beckett greeted her with a faraway look but ignored it as none of the others noticed it which she thought was ironic as the all Precinct captains were present and many high ranking NYPD officers and weren't they supposed to be promoted from Detective at a time but maybe it was more politics involved than skill.

Gates would have surely called her out on her behavior but one of her colleagues was just giving a speech on higher closure rates and 12 Precinct had the best closure rates and even though their method was slightly unorthodox she knew they still followed guidelines as much as any other precinct and also their team coordination and bonding was best she had ever seen so she let her off this one time.

 _Kate was thinking about the infamous Author and her husband Rick Castle which wasn't a surprise but the details of her thoughts could have shocked anybody who knew her well. Kate had found out two weeks prior to today's date that she was pregnant and though it wasn't planned, after the initial shock wore off, both her and Rick were ecstatic. What she was thinking was not about the baby (that's a lie, if you have a living creature growing inside your body you are always thinking about it but that is just in the background.)But the physical distance between her and the father of the baby who currently was tour of Europe for his upcoming novel "Sizzling Heat". Beckett hated Castle (she still called him that when he annoyed her) at the moment as even though he had tried everything he could to avoid going on this tour without mentioning the obvious reason he still left her after making her promise to not tell anyone yet about the biggest news of her personal life (to be fair that was her idea)._

 _She knew it was the Hormones in her that were making her feel this way but she couldn't help but feel abandoned. This thought unfortunately brought on difficult memories. Though She and Rick (Yeah, its Rick again) never talked about it she was thankful that he forgave her as easily as she did even without knowing that what she did was more for both of their happy future together than anything else._

She heard someone clear their throat beside her and noticed that everyone was getting up and heading out. The meeting was over and she hadn't heard a word they said. She was only grateful that no one had noticed her attention was somewhere else.

She quickly gathered her stuff and moved out of the hall catching the eye of Victoria Gates who had an amused look on her face. Crap, someone had noticed. After that Kate quickly left the building in case someone had some questions for her. The only good news was she didn't have any more meetings today and had finished most of her Paperwork before this one so she could go home and relax.

It was only after she was changed and was sitting on the couch with some cooking show on that her thoughts again turned to that awful summer. It was not the first time she thought of that time but she could just generally brush those memories aside and focus on how they had come since but she just couldn't do that today. Stupid Hormones!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or any of the Characters of the series.**

(The following text is from Beckett's POV and in the time after the 3rd season)

I woke up from what seemed to be the worst dream ever; I kept my eyes closed for a few more seconds. It felt like I had slept for ages and yet not enough, I was feeling groggy but I still opened my eyes and saw the unfamiliar room, thinking I had been kidnapped and panic rose within me. My next thought was about the whereabouts of Castle. Even though I didn't remember how I got kidnapped I knew Castle would either be with me or searching for me. So I thought about my next move. I subtly moved my arms in case there were cameras around and checked for restraints. I had still not opened my eyes but as I realized I did not have any type of restraint holding me back I slowly opened my eyes to peek around the room and it was then that I realized that I was in a hospital. The sudden burst of pain in my chest as I moved around made me realize what I thought to be a dream wasn't a dream after all, I had really been shot. Though I didn't remember all the details, I remembered enough to know that I was shot at Captain Montgomery's funeral. The guys who killed Montgomery were now after me and won't stop till I'm dead.

There was some commotion outside my room; they were here to finish the job they started. I did the only thing I could think at the moment, I jumped down from the bed and slid under it. I knew I couldn't last for long hidden here but it would buy me some time to figure stuff out but now that I was here all I could think about was that excruciating pain that burned through me, starting from the wound and going through the whole pain. I tried to swallow the scream that was threatening to leave my lips, still a moan escaped and as the door opened at the moment I thought I lived only to die after such a short time. All I could think about was Castle and how things could have been so different if I could just be with him, if only it weren't for my ego.

I heard a voice of an elderly lady about if someone was there, we have been surprised before but that didn't sound like the voice of a killer so, I peeked out from under the bed and saw the said elderly lady in a nurse's uniform holding a tray.

I slowly got out from under the bed and tried to stand up but as the pain flared up from my chest and the nurse had to help me get back on the bed which was very embarrassing. Thankfully the nurse didn't ask me about that. She just game me some pills for pain and faster recovery and acted normally. Maybe she saw a lot of people with PTSD to really care about my stupid antics.

My dad came into the room soon after the nurse left, I was already a little sleepy due to the pills or maybe even because my body needed more power to recover though I wasn't going to admit that to anyone, I wanted to get back to the case as soon as possible and catch the person responsible for my mom's and Montgomery's murder. My Dad was watching me with a strange expression, at first I thought it was because I had zoned out for a moment there but it soon became obvious that it wasn't that.

"What, Dad?" When he didn't speak for another couple of minutes I finally asked.

He got a troubled look on his face, like he was wondering whether he should tell her or not. Finally he came to a decision.

"Kate, you died while the doctors were operating on you, they had to revive you." My Dad finally spoke with such force that it made me realize the seriousness of the situation. It also made me realize that I wasn't going to be joining the force anytime soon; finally I realized how hard it was for everyone else who cared about me, especially for my Dad. I just did not know what to say so I let him carry the conversation.

"You are lucky to have Richard as your friend, he tried to push you away but just couldn't. It makes me feel better that you have such friends who have your back." My Dad said and fortunately he was not looking towards me as if he would have seen the expression on my face at the time, he would ask questions I wasn't ready to answer.

It made her wonder why Castle would risk himself even after the shouting match I had with him so recently. I wanted to talk to him and apologize as soon as possible. Just thinking about all this made me exhausted and my Dad noticed this soon enough and left so I could get some much needed rest.

I fell asleep as soon as my Dad left but the sleep wasn't very peaceful, I started dreaming as soon as I slept and it was more like a memory than a dream. The memory of the shooting and that gave me a lot to think about.

 **A/N:**

 ***Please review to let me know if you want me to continue from Beckett's POV. Just note, it is a lot harder than usual writing.**

 ***Also, I have no idea how to get a beta so if you could direct me in the right direction I would the grateful.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or any of the Characters of the series.**

(3rd Person POV)

Kate didn't know what to think of the dream she just had. Was it a memory or was that just wistful thinking. It was a fact (even though she didn't want to admit it) that her feelings towards Castle had changed strongly over the recent past(actually, not so recent. She had had hots for him long before she met him). She didn't know when but she had started to see him more than an annoying guy who acted like a 9 year old on a sugar-rush. He was a caring man and an amazing father who was willing to do anything for those he cared about. He had been good for her; lord knew her diet was much better on the days that Castle was at the precinct than when he was not. On the days that he was not there, her diet mainly consisted of coffee. She also knew that if Castle knew this he would stand over her during any and every meal she had.

She was getting distracted just thinking about him. This was exactly what he did to him recently. But now she had to decide what she wanted to do with her new found knowledge. She was not ready. Not when she was already in a relationship with an amazing man.

'But the man is not Castle.' A voice in her head said. She wanted that tiny voice in her head to tell her what to do but as soon as she asked herself that all the voices in her mind shut off and she was left to fend for herself by herself, which was strange even when she said it in her own head. So she was still not sure how to deal with the thoughts about Castle, all she knew was she was not ready and she had to deal with Josh first before anything happened with Castle. But the biggest question was, 'Did Castle really confess his love for her or was that just some facts mixed with wistful thinking to make it seem real?' After all it was just a dream and she was not sure how she could deal with the embarrassment if it was all in her head and Castle just saved her cause he was her friend and partner and that was what partners did, right?

Before she could think about it any further there was a knock on the door and the elderly nurse who had scared her before poked her head in tentatively and asked her how she was feeling. She replied with a smile and a 'fine', the nurse visibly relaxed and asked her much more calmly than before, "Are you up for some visitors, Detectives Ryan and Esposito are her."

Glad for the distraction, Kate quickly agreed and greeted the Detectives but seeing their deflated bodies her mood fell as well and she instantly knew what this was about.

"You didn't catch him." She said. It was not a question.

"No." they answered together in a single syllable and their body started to deflate even more. Kate knew this was weighing very heavily on them and even though their news scared her (a lot) she tried to encourage them.

"Don't worry, you guys will find him, he might be good but he is no match for you guys." She had meant the comment to be light and show the boys that she wasn't angry at them for not catching the shooter but her boys got serious again.

"Yes, we will. Castle is at the precinct trying to find something; He said he would come to see you sometime later today." Just hearing his name had butterflies fluttering in her stomach and also relief. So he was not blaming himself or even if he was, he was working the anger off not just sitting there swallowed in self loathing or worse, drowning in a bottle.

She heard Kevin call her name, quite loudly at that and when she looked at him and Javier with an amused expression on their faces she knew that they had called her name before but she was in her own world which caused her to blush. She had nearly died and mere hours later she was blushing because of a thought of a Man that was not even her boyfriend. She had to have the talk with Joshua real soon.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or any of the Characters of the series.**

(3rd Person POV)

Kate was more confused than ever. She didn't know what she should do; Josh had just saved her life. A nurse who barely was 20 years old had told her how Josh was the reason she was still alive. She even seemed and jealous that Kate was his girlfriend, and that was an irony as if Josh wasn't her boyfriend it would solve a lot of the confusion she had.

Right now Josh was sitting on the chair beside her bed and she had tuned him out. He was telling her about how she was never safe and she should be more careful and she had stopped listening after just a minute but the mention of the name Richard Castle got her attention.

"What?" she asked completely caught off guard. She had not expected him to ask about Castle. They had always skirted around the topic of her and Castle's partnership but apparently he couldn't hold back any longer.

"Why do you keep him around, Kate? It's not like he actually helps you with anything. All he does is put you in danger and now he almost got you killed. Kate, I did not say anything when you almost died in the Freezer with him because that was for a case you were working on but this, this is what he did. He made you investigate your mother's case and look what that caused. Your captain is dead and you are barely alive. I think it is time you finally ask him to leave."

Kate was stunned, she knew that Castle and Josh did not get along, it was a fact that none of her two boyfriends had gotten along with Castle but for Josh to despise him as badly as he did was not something she had expected.

She couldn't have this conversation now, not when she was in no position to defend him, she couldn't walk around or raise her voice which made arguing with someone impossible. What Josh did not know was that if not for Castle she would have opened the case with much less knowledge than she had at the moment and then she would also be found in some secluded street stabbed to death or maybe shot and again declared as result of gang violence or maybe this time it would be robbery gone wrong. Also now she knew she was headed in the right direction when hers mom's killer had tried to have her shot in public even with the risk of being exposed.

She could not have this conversation right now, did not have the strength to explain all this to Josh so she just shook her head and told him that she couldn't talk about this in her current state and Josh being the sweet man as he most of the time was obliged.

They talked about this and that and this time Kate was trying to keep her focus on her boyfriend. They started to get comfortable with each other again and started joking around as he said the hospital bracelet, even though wasn't diamond looked nice on her.

That was the moment when Castle walked in and Kate felt giddy with excitement. She was nervous all the same. It was like she was on her first date back when she was a teenager with the guy she s really liked and she called out to him;

"Hey, Castle."Her voice was gruff which suddenly made her feel self conscious. She then concentrated on his face. It was only then that I saw the expression on his face that was a bit sad and here she thought he would be happy to see her alive.

Josh stood up from his chair kissed her head and told her he would see her after he made rounds. This was so unlike him, she felt like he was giving Castle a message like 'She is mine, Back off.'

It was only after Josh left that Castle gave her a smile and it made her realize that his expression was about Josh sitting next to her and that made her heart skip a beat. This was so messed up; she could not deal with this right now. She had to sort everything up before she could move ahead with Rick and that too when she was ready. She didn't want this to go up in flames just because she was in over her head with the relationship. She had never been in a serious relationship before and she knew that when (and it was only matter of time before that happened) she and Rick got in a relationship it would be serious from day one.

So she made a tough decision, she decided that it may take a while but she would not talk to Castle until she had it all figured out and she was ready to be happy again, she just wished Castle would not give up on her before that.

He was staring at her, how bad did she look? She thought she would ask him directly and he gave her the sweetest answer of how he thought he would never see her again. When she thought about it later on she realized it wasn't that sweet but the way he said it, it was clear of all the emotion behind it.

The next words he said just took her breath away.

"I heard you were opening a flower store so I thought I'd pitch in." it was not something romantic of sensual but the connection they had, the way their minds were like linked together, it blew her away.

She knew she was not ready yet but when she was, she would sure fight against all odds to make it work.

 **A/N: This was the first writer's block I had in this story and it was not easy to overcome but I thought I did okay. I just hope I don't stuck again and if you guys have some suggestions be sure to leave a review, just remember I am trying to keep it as close to canon as possible so no AU ideas; there is still lot to come.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or any of the Characters of the series.**

(3rd Person POV)

She had done it, told him not to contact her unless she did first and done it all while keeping a straight face. She felt both, relieved and heartbroken, felt she may have ended their partnership for good. She knew it was the best action for the future, their future, together.

When she told Rick that he shouldn't come back tomorrow he looked like a kicked puppy. She could almost hear him thinking that it was because he had saved her from the shootout in the hanger where Montgomery had died. She had so wanted to correct him, comfort him, tell him all she was asking was time but she knew that if she said any of that, she would break. And she couldn't let that happen, couldn't destroy the chance they might have for a future together.

After he left she just thought about calling him up already, what was the worst that could happen and her mind already started conjuring up images of them both shouting at each and going their separate ways. Till this time she hadn't even thought of Josh and he was an important part of this equation and she had to talk to him real soon so she would no longer feel guilty about forgetting about him whenever anything slightly related to Castle.

The problem was she had no idea how long one should wait to break up with someone after they had saved one's life. The thought made her smile, it just sounded like something Castle would say.

Right now all she wanted to do was get better and have the talk with Josh; she did not want to do this while lying on the bed and not even have enough energy to keep her side of the story.

From the start, when Josh and Kate had started dating they both knew it was not what they wanted or needed long term. The only reason they started dating was that both of them were lonely and didn't have much time to make a relationship work. Both of them put their jobs ahead of their personal lives and just wanted some companionship without it overriding their lives. They both worked crazy hours and were understanding when the other had to leave in the middle of the night. She had started question her relationship with Josh when Castle came back and she had thought of breaking up with Josh more than once but she was scared that Castle would leave once again leaving her and this time she wouldn't be lucky enough to find him standing over a body in a murder case she was investigating.

She remembered just a few weeks ago, in that hotel in L.A. It was the closest they had come to... being more than partners and friends. It was not as if they didn't have moments, but there was always someone to interrupt them. In L.A. they were alone investigating the murder of her former trainer who had left a letter for her telling her what she already knew; Castle was the one for her. It was only the thought of Josh that had stopped her. She always knew that Josh was not her one and only but she knew that he was a good man and deserved more than being cheated on. She thought about what could have been different if something had happened that day. She would have definitely broken up with Josh and Castle would be sitting at her bedside staring at her just like he did when she was doing paper work.

She knew she was feeling overwhelmed with emotions which she was mostly blaming on her meds but knew most of it was because she had nothing else to do, she couldn't even sit for God's sake, it made her feel so helpless that Castle and the boys were trying to catch the guy who shot her where as she was just lying there, thinking about any and everything. Thinking about it however made her feel as though they had the better deal, staying in bed for the heck of it may be pretty fun but when being confided in bed was one of the worst punishments for her. She never had time for sleeping in nowadays, she never took days off, She had heaps of vacation days lined up and the few days used other than her recent trip to Los Angeles were used when she gave them to someone who required it more than her.

There was a knock on the door and again she was grateful, but as soon she saw who it was the color drained out her face. It had been so long since her shooting and Kate knew that Lanie had been with her on the ride from the Graveyard to the hospital and it was only because of her steady compressions that she was still alive and yet Kate had completely forgotten about her but she blamed that on Castle as she couldn't think of anyone but him.

"I would have woken you up and killed you again if you had not made it through, girl." Kate could hear the strain in Lanie's voice as she said it but it still got a smile on her face so it was mission accomplished for Lanie.

Kate knew this was going to be a long chat but maybe that would help her clear her head. Also she could ask Lanie for her advice but she knew that Lanie would be in Castle's box, even more so now that he had tried to risk his life to save hers.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or any of the Characters of the series.**

(3rd Person POV)

After a few threats, the last of which was to not continue that allowed Kate to tell all of the thoughts running through her mind in peace. Lanie hadn't said a word for some time now, not since the heavy stuff started and that really worried Kate. Usually her friend was very outspoken and didn't hold back her judging words no matter what threats were made.

And when Lanie spoke again, it was more relief than anything else.

"Why haven't you kissed him already Kate? The guy confessed his love for you when you were dying. You don't think he had some other motive do you?" Lanie said that with an aloof tone but Kate could sense that her near death had a huge impact on Lanie, after all Lanie was there in the ambulance when her heart stopped.

Kate gave a moment to say something about that but quickly thought better of it, it wasn't the right time and she was here right now and that's what matters. So she decided to talk about topic at hand.

"It's not that simple Lanie, I'm in a relationship with Josh…" Was all she said when Lanie jumped in.

"That's your argument that you're in a relationship. That alone should tell you that you should break up with Josh." Lanie said with such excitement that Kate couldn't help but remember how Madison had been when Kate had told her about her first kiss.

But that was not the only reason though according to herself it was the least ridiculous one and if Lanie had discarded this reason so easily then the rest would be no different and that was a problem as Kate already had a battle going on inside her head and she wanted Lanie to tell her that she was doing the right thing.

As futile as it was, Kate decided to tell her the other reasons as well. Maybe, just maybe Lanie will convince the part of the brain that was so adamant that relationship with Rick was a bad thing that it was indeed not so bad after all.

"Do you remember last summer Lanie, I opened to the idea that he was right for me, I was ready and do you know what happened. It was the only time I got seriously drunk since my mother's murder and that is not something Kate Beckett does. Do you know what would happen if he breaks my heart again, what if he just said that he loved me in the heat of the moment or maybe just doesn't want to be in a relationship as it would disturb his playboy persona?" Kate had started the monologue fiercely but by the time she ended vulnerability was shining though her words.

"Playboy persona? Seriously Kate, if I remember correctly it was you who had rejected him in the first place for the trip to the beach and that too to go out with your boyfriend." As Kate began to say something Lanie stopped her. "I know you did nothing wrong but look at it from his perspective. The woman he liked was going out of the city with someone else after telling him she had to work. What did you expect him to do, be a saint till you say what was right in front of you. Obviously he got jealous and did something to try to get over you but as we have evidence now he was not successful."

That brought a small smile on Kate's face, she knew everything Lanie said was true but still remembered her talk with Castle during the Wolfe murder case, how she had told him her insecurities and he did not even say that maybe the man can change and made her think that maybe Castle never wants to change and he was letting her know that by this conversation that if she gave into this attraction it would be at her own risk. Now that she thought about it, recently to her he hadn't been a playboy who was constantly on page six but a amazing man and a great father who would do anything for the people he cared about and yet again she wished her mother was here with her so her mother could yank on her ear and tell her to get her head out of her ass and kiss the man already.

"But Lanie I can't just cheat on Josh and breaking up when I get tired by even thinking about fighting is not what how I want our relationship to end." Kate tried one last time, she had laid all the cards on the table and when Lanie spoke next it shocked her.

"Ok, fine. You break up with Josh when you are slightly better, sometime in the next week and after a couple of weeks you can talk to Castle and tell him how you feel." This statement from Lanie shocked Kate so much that it left her speechless. All she could mutter was a stammering really and Lanie replied with amusement.

"Yeah and that way you can make out right after your declaration of love without any pain, though I want details."

Kate laughed at that, she was not sure about if Rick would want to kiss her or even talk to her after she told him about the lie she told him but other than that she could work with the timeline, it gave her time to think about what to say to both Josh and Rick and a few more days of hope if Rick rejects her.

After a few minutes Lanie noticed that Kate's eyes were closing on its own accords so after a promise to come back soon Lanie took her departure.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or any of the Characters of the series.**

Now Kate was in trouble, she was getting better by the day and that scared her and that thought alone would put her in a psych ward. She knew she should be relieved that after having such a close call no permanent damage was there but the problem was that she was not sure if no permanent damage was caused, she had just lied to Castle, told her not to call her and then did not call him to ask him how he was cause maybe she was shot close to the heart but she knew it was equally painful for him and it would definitely tip the scales in his favor if he was feeling guilty about causing this which if Kate knew Castle even a little bit she was sure he was.

What made her feel worse was it had been a week since her talk with Lanie and she still had no idea what to say to Josh or Rick and her time to talk to Josh was finally upon her and as well as he treated her she did not just want to dump him she wanted to have a clean break up with him.

From the start Josh and Kate had known that they were known that they were not in this for the long haul, they had talked about that often in the past, always joking about how in the future Kate would marry someone successful and smart whereas Josh would marry a homemaker who would keep him in line and force him to come home at a respectable time on most days. But after her injury Josh had changed somehow, become possessive. He came to her room every day after his shift and that one time when she did bring the topic of their different futures he sidestepped it. Also he avoided any and all topic related to Castle except that one time when he had asked her to kick Castle out of her precinct and her life. That time it was her who had ignored his statement and changed the topic.

Now that she thought about it Josh had also started to make plans about their future, not directly but he did tell her that they were invited to the wedding of his sister that was still 7 months away. She did not comment at that time because she was heavily medicated at the time and did not have all of the wit to contemplate what the statement meant but now it was one of the things that told her breaking up with Josh would hurt him much more than she had initially thought.

The door to her room opened and Josh walked in, she didn't even realize how late it was but as she looked out the window all she could see was moon and the stars in the clear sky, if only her thoughts were as clear as the sky at the moment but they were worse than the sky during a storm, more like a tornado, her line of thoughts were broken when Josh finally spoke.

"How are you doing today, Kate?" The time that Kate dreaded had come and even though she could put it off till tomorrow she knew it would only become harder as the time goes so why not just get it over with.

With that thought she ignored his question and spoke the 4 words everyone in a relationship hates to hear from their partner.

"Josh, we need to talk."

 **A/N: - I know that I have been gone for far too long but my university started and things have been crazy. I will sure try to update more quickly from now on.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or any of the Characters of the series.**

Kate had called Lanie right after the talk with Josh; she had refused to tell Lanie what it was about and just asked her to hurry. After assuring Lanie it was nothing about her health she hung up with a promise from Lanie to drop by within the hour.

It had not even been 20 minutes and Lanie looked pretty excited but as soon as she saw Kate's face her smile turned into a frown almost instantly.

"Kate, what's wrong." Lanie asked with so much worry in her voice that Kate she wanted to hug her best friend but she was not fit enough to jump from the bed and move that fast just yet. So just started with what had been bothering her.

"Josh and I broke up." As soon as Kate said this she knew she was going to be interrupted, she shouldn't have framed it to sound like she was upset about the break up. Truly she didn't give a damn about that, she was actually kind of relieved that whatever that she had with Josh was finally over but before she could find the words to explain what was going on her mind, true to her nature Lanie interrupted.

"You better not tell me you are having second thoughts about Josh and your relationship with him, you already told me you love Castle, please don't tell me you are second guessing your decision." Lanie said with her frown deepening with every word she said. She was always on Castle's corner and what Kate had to say next would definitely disappoint her so she had to choose her words very carefully.

"It's not that Lanie; there is no way I am getting back with Josh. It's just some of the stuff he said." Again before she could continue she was interrupted.

"Don't let that idiot get to you, he wanted to upset you. Don't let him succeed, you're smarter than that." Lanie said hurriedly. Kate could see that Lanie was upset with Kate's admission so Kate decided to elaborate further.

"You know I am not one to get upset easily, it is just that he voiced some of my deep fears about Castle. And I have had them for a long time. It's just that when someone else says it, it becomes so much more real." Kate finished wishing her friend would understand. At least she was not interrupted this time that was something, right?

"Castle is not the same person he was a few years ago, surely you can see that, you should considering how you follow him on his fan sites, you even have an alert on your phone whenever he is in any newspaper or magazine that I have heard a name of. How often does your phone rings due those notifications now a day's Kate." Lanie said and noticed that Kate couldn't meet her eyes. Lanie assumed that Kate still needed convincing so she told her a secret that wasn't hers to tell.

"Kate, do you remember the time when Castle had been offered to write about 'a certain British secret agent?" Lanie asked but without waiting for any answer continued.

"Do you think he was concerned with the money, how much did he spend to try to catch Coonan? Do you think his offer would have been so much more that he would say yes to it even without seeing the contracts? You know what I think? I think he said yes to write more Nikki Heat novels because you were fine with it even though it was done grudgingly." Lanie finished.

"You think I don't know all that, I know he loves me and I love him as well." Kate said the rage obvious in her voice so Lanie asked politely;

"So what is the problem Kate, he can be your forever. Just give it a shot."

"You don't understand Lanie, he fell in love with a strong, independent woman who never backed out of a fight but now I am not even the shell of the woman I used to be, I would prefer our story ends here. It is a sweet dream right now but pretty soon it can become like a nightmare for me. I would prefer to remember the last three years the best days of my life and I do not want to taint it with the rejection I will get after he sees how pathetic I have become." By the time Kate finished her monologue all the anger had left her body and it looked like she had lost everything in life and that indeed was not far from the truth, not only had she lost any chance of a relationship with Rick but had lost 2 of her mentors Mike Royce and Montgomery and then got shot at one of her most vulnerable moments.

"Kate you know that it is not all he loves about you." Lanie tried to argue.

"When we were in L.A. he told me that the things he admires the most about me is my strength which I don't have any left, my heart which was grazed by the bullet and my hotness and after losing 10 pounds I feel and look like a skeleton on diet." Kate spoke through her tears.

"You should at least talk to Castle. Let him decides if he still means it." Lanie tried once again even though she knew she was not changing Kate's decision.

"Why Lanie, so he starts dating me out of pity. What if he meets a strong, independent woman and dumps me for her or worse yet doesn't go after her cause I am in the way." Kate said trying to gain composure.

"You should give him a chance Kate." Lanie said hoping Kate could see how this would hurt Castle.

"A chance to what Lanie, Hurt me or a chance to see if he could stay by someone's side only cause he once loved them. I would not want to discover the first option and his 2 divorces prove the second option to be wrong." Kate said calmly but her eyes had an icy look.

Before Lanie could say anything Kate continued.

"I didn't call you here to argue about this, I did to tell you that I have decided that I want to stay at my dad's cabin while I recover, my dad has agreed to stay with me there for a while and I have even booked physical therapy sessions in a nearby hospital. This call was just to say goodbye, Lanie."

Lanie said her goodbye with a heavy heart wished her good luck and hoped to God that her best friend would come to her senses sooner than later.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or any of the Characters of the series.**

Beckett reached the cabin and was relieved that there was no one to see her weak, well there was her father but she had seen her father passed out on his own vomit and pee in his alcoholic days. He wouldn't judge nor would he care. A small voice in her head said that 'Neither would a certain bestselling novelist'. The voice sounded a lot like Lanie, she just chalked it up to the pain meds she had taking but deep down she knew the meds were just weakening her walls and it was her emotions that were seeping out. That was another reason she didn't want to be in New York for her recovery, her emotions and feelings were something she liked to keep locked at all times, if possible even from herself though she would have to just tough it out right now.

She had let her emotions run loose and almost called Castle and that was on the first day in the cabin. Thank god that the cabin was so deep in the woods that she had no network and the call just wouldn't connect. She would have to control herself better or next time it would be the landline she'd be using.

She had thought that she could just come to the woods and lick her wounds but being here was even more stressful than in the hospital. Not only was the desire to call Castle was more but her father was babying her and her physical therapy, she could swear that her doctor was trying to kill her. It didn't help matters that she couldn't not sleep to avoid the nightmares as her physical therapy left her with no energy. Most nights she would just wake up and cry herself to sleep but it had happened twice that she had woken up screaming and her dad had rushed in within a minute like he was just sitting next to her door waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It had been 2 weeks since she left New York, 3 weeks since the horrific event. She just couldn't get the day out of her head and yet every time she thought about it she was hit a bunch of emotions that overwhelmed her. First of all she would feel scared, she knew that her shooter could come here and shoot her and she would be defenseless but this was not the only reason that scared her, she was scared for the people around her, her friends, neighbors. If the person or group was desperate enough to order a hit on her during a ceremony that was filled with cops then they were not beyond torturing others for her whereabouts. This thought confused her, she could go to the city and this scenario could be avoided but then there was a risk she carried going back to the city to. She did not want to die but what scared her more was if the shooter missed the shot and it hit someone else she would never be able to live with herself.

Today was kind of a milestone for her, as she could now walk around with almost no discomfort and do the essentials by herself she was finally forcing her dad to go back to the city and carry on with his life. She wasn't sure how to feel about this, on one hand she didn't want her dad to drop everything in his life to help her, he had already done so for so long. He had a job and she didn't want to be the reason he get laid down. On the other hand she didn't want to be all alone in the cabin. Sure she wanted to feel independent again but even though she was physically prepared to be alone she didn't think she was mentally ready yet or ever would be. She still had nightmares and panic attacks. She was paranoid to an extinct that a chirp from a bird had her hiding in a corner.

She could see the tears pooled in her dad's eyes as he was saying goodbye. He had promised to call daily and told her to call him and he would be here at once should she need anything. She had put on a front, told him she would be alright hugged him and he was gone.


End file.
